BORED.

Im all alone at home and dieing of bordom. I normally would love this but right now I dont. I just have so much on my mind right now.. I cant relax. I cant stop thinking. Sometimes I wish you can just put everything on pause and let it sink in and not worry about anything else. Well I guess right now is my time to chill but I just cant enjoy it.. I hate no one being here.

$$$$

Wow okay sooo Im just now reading the books off that I need for AP lag and its crazy. I didnt think this class would cost me money? Im not really in a good finacial spot well my mom isent in a good finacial spot and $50 just on books to read for over summer? I dont know if i can do that.. I really want to take this class but Im really hoping the rest of the year wont be like this. Hopefully Ill have a job by then too. Crazy right? 3 AP classes and a part time job. I am going crazy? Is that too much?

I cant sleep.

Wow I didnt realise how stressed I had been this past week. It seemed like everything was happening all at once. But now I finally get a breather! At least for a week. Im so nervous though on the 9th Im going to go to the dmv to take the driving test to get my licence! I really want to past on my first try but now Im not sure. Im probably going to have to take it a second time becasue for my last behind the wheel training class I did bad! Oh well I wont worry to much, for now.

Indifference?

When we talked about indifference in Thompsons class a couple weeks ago, I was really confused about what it meant. Indifferent? How can someone not feel anything? I didnt understand that. I wouldnt call myself emotional... But I do feel things. Whether its happyness, anger, sadness, I still feel something. No matter how moved or uncaring, theres still that spark of something you know?
But now I understand it.
How can you be so indifferent?
How can you not care when its breaking me apart.
How can you be so numb?
How can you not see that I just lost all respect for you.
And that thats not going to change.
Youve treated me badly my entire life.
And all I did was love you..

Fake

Everything just feels so fake. Im fake, your fake, he is too. Nothing is what it really is anymore. Sometimes I wish we could go back to when we were too little to understand what all of this meant. Or so that for things we werent ready to hear, we didnt have to deal with. I wish I could go back to being sheltured and protected by someone who actually cares. Now its like you have to fight against everything on your own. Yes, people are there to help encourage you but its different.

ChillDay!

This morning when I woke up, I didnt feel good at all so I just went right back to bed. But after I woke up again I felt alot better. Soo then I read my new book for a bit then tried to tan which didnt really work. Then I played with the kids next door which is alway fun, and their mom said she wants me to babysit which means moneeyyy! After that I worked on my research paper then went and helped cook dinner anddd chilled with my sister(:

math class

I'm in mr heredias class and its hecka boring... Everyday we do the same thing it gets really lame. I always wonder if his life is as boring as he is. I hope not that would be really sad!

My Parents.

Theres always someone who has it worse.
You should be greatful for everything you have. Why do you want more?
Your so spoiled.
Want, need. Thats all you ever think about.
Thats all you ever think about.
All these things I hear from other people around me. Typically parents. Except they seem strangely foreign to me. My mom and dad used to always give me anything I wanted. When we could afford it. I never really got lectures on wanting things I dont need. My parents thought wanting was needing. If you really want it you'll get it. Except what happens when you start buying everything you want? What happens when you lose your job? What happeneds when you run out of money? What happens when you lose your house?
If you think about it, getting everything you want can really make you unhappy. You know?
When you go for something over and over and over again and every time in your mind all your thinking is this is what I want. I need it. And then its really not what you expected. Its value is lost. Worthless. You didnt work for it. It was just so easy you didnt even notice it really. So how can you really be pleased?

Runninggg

I dont know what I was thinking but I decided to go running. Ouchhh! If you in my PE class you would know that I really dont like being physical in any way. But today I actually was jogging for about 45 minutes straight! Im not sure how far I went but I did get lost a couple times.. I ended up in downtown willow glen and almost knocked someone down with me, it was amazing. But yeah now Im starving so Im guna go eat all the calories I just burned off!!

Slacker!

I really need to start focusing on my grades. I working on my french project at the moment and Im realizing that Im starting to slack off wayyyyy too much! I haven't researched for my essay in Thompsons at all and I dont even know when thats due. I had to stay up really late and do Miclettes notebook the night before we turned it in and I have very low C's in french and geometry. I really really need to start doing my work. Or at least try a little harder. Mostly because I like having good grades and because for when I drive, higher grades means better car insurance! And I WILL be driving legally with my own license innn... 16 days!

!@#$%^&*(

Soooo Im pretty bored right now. I just got home and Im spending time with my sister before I can go out again. Im going to go see Watchman!!! (: I know its pretty nerdy but yeah I love super hero movies. Going with like 10 guys shoould be interesing as well. Well Im out!

(:

Have you ever noticed that when you first met someone, you opinion of them is totally different? Like at first you think theyre nice. Or maybe mean. Or maybe you dont even notice them. But after awhile you start to talk. And you realize so much about them. And they turn into a very influenctial person in your life. And you think back to when you didnt think much of them, or didnt even like them that much and are so thankful you have them now(:

Shut Up

Tomorrows going to be so weird. I hope I get to see him after school or else this whole fight I've been having is worth nothing. Have you eveer had one of those moments in life where you just pour your heart out and your honest and truthful about everything but then it gets you nowhere? It almost feels like your backtracked. Letting everything out just made it worse. This always seems to happen to me. Its better to just shut up.

The Green Eyed Monsteer

jealous |ˈjeləs|
adjective
• feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship.
suspicion, mistrust, insecurity, overprotectiveness. spite; (informa)l the green-eyed monster.

Jealousy is a very dirty word. One that i cringe at the thought of using in my daily vocabulary but seems to be coming up a lot anyways. How do you cure this? Being jealous I mean. Its a feeling Im really not used to. Im not used to causing it either. Am I being a hypocrite? I dont feel like I am. I feel like your just insecure. Maybe this isent working.