The Thread.

Wish
you could turn off
the questions, turn
off the voices,
turn off all sound
yearn
to close out
the ugliness, close
out the filthiness
close out all light
Long
to cast away
yesterday, cast
away memory,
cast away all jeopardy.
Pray
you could somehow stop
the uncertainty, somehow
stop the loathing,
somehow stop the pain
Act
on your own impulse,
swallow the bottle
cut a little deeper
put the gun to your chest.

Goodnight

I am so tired! I really dont want to go to school. I may stay home.

11:11 Make A Wish

Why does this always happen?
What?
I always get mad at you.
I dont know.
You dont know?
Yeah.
I dont want to be mad.
Why are you?
I dont know.
Just say it.
No.
Why?
Whyd you drink?
I dont know.
You dont know?
I didnt want too.
You didnt want too?
No.
I thought you were really going to stop.
I was.
Why didnt you then?
I dont know.
....
Okay.
Yeah.

Snow Day

Its always really nice to get away from it all. This weekend I went up to the snow with a friend and a bunch of other people. We just had an amazing time being ourselves and uncaring. We acted like 4 year olds and it was the best time I've had in a really long. It really made me miss my friend and a couple other people. We got to catch up and I realized that they really are my true friends. Even after not really being able to hangout or really talk in a REALLY long time, there was no awkwardness that usually is there. We just talked. Last night was especially nice. We snuck out of our rooms and went outside in the ridiculously cold snow and sat and watched the stars. It was so beautiful and perfect I guess you could say. I got to meet a lot of new friends and rekindled the fire with old ones! :)

At 2:20 PM

Everything I've known is lost. Everything I've grown used to is changing. Everybody is different. Everything is changing. I was used to friends staying the same while my personal life collapsed. I could function if only I had one constant to depend on. But Im noticing my friends are changing too. My life is changing too. Maybe not necessarily in a bad way... Maybe thats the problem. Everything I was used to is changing for the better, so it seems. And Im not sure if I like that. Im used to things not working for me. Im used to the feel of anxiety. I thrive off of the destructive presence that are in the little corners and cracks of the life I live. But what do you do when those cracks are filled with something. Something temorary, but still appears normal to the naked eye. Do you go along with it? Do you pretend everything is better? Is that what you want from me? Or do I tear at it and tear until its a huge gapping hole. Do I make it as great as possible so everyone can see? Because once your not there, your not there.

V-Day

Im so excitied for Valentines days! Yesterday I was kind of if-y about the whole thing but today I just feel happy and excitied! Like love is in the air! Cheesy but thats how it feels. I cant wait for tonight. Ive never actually done anything special of fun on Valentines day, maybe gotten a few gifts and eaten lots of candy but thats about it.

New Phone

Yay i got a new phone! I like it more than my old one just because its new i think but yeah im really excitied! The only bad thing about it is that I had to pay like 300 dollars and i have none of my old contacts.. But yeah Im guna go play with it more!

<33

Love should be a gift. At least thats always what I thought of it as. Im not a very religious person but I do believe in God and that he gave us the ability to love. If you think about it, what would we be without it? The world would be so ugly and empty without it. Sometimes love comes easily, sometimes it doesn't. It all just depends of who you can connect with. But for all the people you do love and care for, why is it that they treat you in a way that doesn't show it all the time like it should? You take their love as a way to bend and twist for your own needs and desires. You treat them badly over and over again and they continue to be there in your life loving you.

Sports?

Wow I never noticed how many of my fellow peers are involved in sports. Today after school I saw so many of you guys having fun and being involved, it made me feel a little left out. I've never really been the type that excelled in a specific sport, but then again who is good on Gundersons teams(no offence to you guys). Maybe next year Ill join something..(haha)

Song

Have you ever listened to a really chill song and just fallen in love with it? The song Fast Cars by Tracy Chapman is like my new favorite song. I keep listening to it over and again and I still love it!

Has someone ever told you something that just makes you really upset?
Maybe what they said was slightly uncalled for,
But to you, it really hurt.
It just makes you remember something you thought you would never think about again
Something you pushed so far away from conscious thought that you never thought you would remember again?
And you just cant stop thinking, you know?
Now that its there its all you can think about.
But its not like you can tell anyone.

SuperBowl SUnday!!

K so I actually didnt watch the game but I went to a superbowl party in santa cruz with tianna and emily! It was pretty cool we walked over to this really creepy park and went hot tubing. Its so pretty there I want to move their so badlyy. Commercials for the game though... Honestly I wasent that impressed. I didnt watch many but I didnt think they were that funny this year. Plus the 3D glasses didnt work at all!